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Thank you, Sir! May I Have Another?

by Steve Deace

This article was originally posted at USATODAY.com.

This week I got my first paycheck of 2013 and noticed my take home pay is about 5% less than it was in 2012. I had heard reports from all over the country from listeners to my radio show who noticed the same thing, but it didn’t really hit home to me until I saw it for myself in my own paycheck.

Contrary to the rant in response you’re anticipating, I’m not upset. I’m actually honored to do my part in that whole “shared sacrifice” thing we keep hearing about from our benevolent ruling class. After all, who’s more qualified to talk about shared sacrifice than those who can vote themselves pay raises whenever they want, pass laws they don’t have to subject themselves to and take vacations all over the world that are bought and paid for by others.

And just like all those glamorous stars that will be thanking their minions during those awards shows that air this time of year, I’ve got a list of people I’m grateful to for making it possible for my family to live on less at the same time they’re asking us to pay for their $16.4 trillion (and climbing) in debt.

The first people I must thank are the Republican majority leadership in the U.S. Congress. The Constitution – you know, that dusty artifact kept in stasis in various museums you often ignore – says all taxing and spending begins in your chamber. Who else could come up with the counter-intuitive brilliance to call something that raises the taxes taken out of my check by 5% the “Tax Relief Act of 2012?” I know my fellow conservatives often complain about that John Boehner being clueless, but it turns out he’s a crafty linguist able to bend word definitions in a single bound.

Next is Democrat Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Let’s not overlook his contribution. Without the shrewd leadership he’s shown in not passing a budget out of his chamber for four years and counting a lot of this “shared sacrifice” wouldn’t be possible. Not to mention Reid is setting an excellent example for our children by blaming everybody else for his mismanagement.

What about my Republican governor, Terry Branstad? We were fortunate enough to have him run for a fifth term, and who doesn’t appreciate that level of dedication to public service? Blessedly, he’s already grown my state government bigger than either of his Democrat predecessors while promising us he would grow personal income by 25%. Since my personal income is down 5% that means I still have a lot to look forward to!

Last, but certainly not least, is President Obama. All the “solutions” he’s presented to our various problems helped grow government more in four years than his big government predecessor accomplished in eight. The warm fuzzy my children will experience when I tell them we’re doing less as a family this year so Obama can do even more, promises to be a Kodak moment. Besides, as loyal subjects of the crown, my children need to realize that we work hard so he doesn’t have to. They can enjoy their family vacation this year vicariously through all the vacations the first family will be taking instead.

With government doing more to us…err…I mean for us than ever before, I have a suggestion. Not a complaint, mind you, but a humble suggestion for our benevolent ruling class. To avoid offending anybody, and to make sure there’s truth in advertising, how about we change our national motto from “In God We Trust” to “Thank you, sir, may I have another?”

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